PAINFREE RELATIONSHIPS
"Hear this, You who are afflicted and drunken, but not with wine"
Taught by: Pastor Carolyn Sissom
Sunday Evening Service, January 3, 2010
Isaish 61:1: The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed me to preach good tiding unto the meek; he has sent me to bind up the broken hearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to them that are bound."
I can declare that I am a recovered codependent for over two decades. Many think, once a codependent, always a codependent. No, with the help of the Lord Jesus Christ, I have recovered. I do not believe that anyone can be totally effective in ministry if they feel like they are responsible to fix, heal, and restore every relationship that comes before us. It is very liberating to know that is the work of the Holy Ghost and not my function. I do not need to control anyone. I do not need to do anything but pray for you, love you and minister to you as the Lord leads. Then I am able to release you to the Lord and believe that he is able to perfect that which concerns both you and me. In order to minister to people we do not get enmeshed in their “mess”, yet can love them through it. “Relationships are like a dance, with visible energy racing back and forth between people. Some relationships are the slow, dark dance of death.” Colette Dowling Why are some people happy and others are continually drawn in to a net of people whose behavior is destructive? The term codependency has been around since the early 1940’s. Most people in the 21st century have at least heard about the dynamics of a dysfunctional family and/or a toxic relationship. We can say there was a Codependent movement that brought inner healing and deliverance to set the captives free. One of the “sacred cows” of some denominations was a disdain for the Spirit of Counsel. This is an anointing that is part of the Seven-fold Spirit of God: “And the spirt of the Lord shall rest upon him, the spirit of wisdom and understanding, the spirit of counsel and might, the spirit of knowledge and of the fear of the Lord.”
Wise counsel is mentioned over and over in the Holy Bible. We are going to need for the coming Harvest, both Wisdom and Counsel to deliver this generation.
A book no longer in print (that I can find) is Co-dependent No More by Dr. Paul Meir, M.D. and Frank Minirth, M.D. I have given away many copies of this book. It is my preferred reference book.
“Codependency has a fuzzy definition because it is a gray, fuzzy condition. It is complex, theoretical, and difficult to completely define. Some describe the cause, some the effect, some the overall condition, some the symptoms, some the patterns, and some the pain.” (Melody Beattie, Codependent No More) Melody Beattie: “a codependent person is one who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior. This is good. However, a codependent may be the victim of a controller. Subby wrote codependency is “An emotional, psychological, and behavioral condition that develops as a result of an individual’s prolonged exposure to and practice of a set of oppressive rules---rules which prevent the open expression of feeling as well as the direct discussion of personal and interpersonal problems.” This could also define a person with an obsessive compulsive disorder. Ernie Larsen: “Those self-defeating, learned behaviors or character defects that result in diminished capacity to initiate or participate in loving relationships.” “Co-dependency means “said one woman,” that I’m a caretaker.” Co-dependency says another is that I’m married to an alcoholic. People who are the care givers for alcoholics become just as sick as the alcoholic. This is described in Isaiah 51:21: “ Hear this you who are afflicted and drunken, but not with wine.” “Co-dependents are people who are in relationships with others who have serious illnesses, behavior problems, or destructive compulsive disorders. Alcoholism in the family helped create codependency, but many other circumstances produce it as well. One fairly common denominator was having a relationship personally or professionally, with troubled, needy or dependent people. But a second, more common denominator seemed to be the unwritten, silent rules that usually develop in the immediate family and set the pace for relationships”. (M.D. C.N.M) “These rules prohibit discussion about problems; open expression of feelings; direct, honest communication; realistic expectations, such as being human, vulnerable, or imperfect; selfishness; trust in other people and one’s self; playing and having fun, and rocking the delicately balanced family canoe through growth or change---however healthy and beneficial that movement might be. These rules are common to alcoholic family systems but can emerge in other families too.” The person we take care of might be a child, an adult, a spouse, a brother, sister, grandparent, parent, client or best friend. He or she could be an alcoholic, drug addict, mentally or physically ill person, a depressed person, someone with a sexual addiction, gambling addiction, thief, liar, people who won’t get a job, financial drainers, etc. etc. As Ministers of the Gospel, we are servants and trained to minister to all of the above. If we become emotionally and physically used by any of the above described people and we continue allowing that relationship to use us, we, too, can become codependent. If any adult person places the responsibility of their happiness and physical needs onto another person, that relationship is codependent. The heart of the definition and recovery lies not in the troubled or disabled person---no matter how much we believe it does. People who are codependent have placed their life and happiness on the recovery of the sick person. We cannot allow people’s behavior to affect us. No matter how much we love someone, when we allow their behavior to affect us, then we give that person power over us. If we have been victimized by diseases and people, each of us must decide what part we play in our victimization. Once we have learned out to break free from being a victim, we always know the path to overcoming. As Christians we are not to come up under any power except the Lord Jesus Christ. I have family relationships that have demanded and do demand that I do certain things or else I will experience their wrath. I am not moved by another’s expectations of me. A healthy person will not allow other people’s behavior to affect us. Can you imagine how crazy everyone would be if we caved in to pouting, temper tantrums, trouble makers, gossip, meddling, demands for finances, etc. If we have to give to a ministry or relationship in order to have favor in a relationship that would make us very sick. If one obsesses in a relationship, by trying to control; helping; caretaking; low self-worth bordering on self-hatred; self-repression; abundance of anger and guilt; peculiar dependency on peculiar people; attraction and tolerance for the bizarre; other-centeredness that results in abandonment of self; communication problems; intimacy problems; and/or unnatural grief that extends the grieving process beyond the natural limits, we have fallen into the pit of codependency. There are still cultures in the 21st century that set aside days of birth and days of death to grieve their loved ones who are rejoicing in Heaven. I do know that the death of troubled people in our life causes more grief than those who have deposited life, light and love into us. Those who left their legacy of life, joy, peace, righteousness and love live on within our hearts. Some suggest that codependents want and need sick people around them to be happy in an unhealthy way. Furthermore they need abuse either by alcoholism, physical or emotional abuse. They seek to be heroes and rescuers of those who are troubled. We then are trying to make ourselves into saviors. There is only one hero, rescuer and Savior. That is the Person of the Lord Jesus Christ. I will show you the way through him. Codependents need less harshness in their lives. Other people have been hard enough on you. You have been hard enough on yourself. You have suffered enough.You laid your life down as a living sacrifice for people who used and abused you. You are only to become a living sacrifice for the Lord Jesus Christ and as he directs your path. In l988, the Lord spoke to me Isa. 51: 20-23: “thy sons have fainted, they lie at the head of all the streets, as a wild bull in a net; they are full of the fury of the Lord, the rebuke of your God. Therefore hear now this, you afflicted, and drunken, but not with wine: Thus says the Lord your Lord, and your God that pleads the cause of his people. Behold I have taken out of your hand the cup of trembling, even the dregs of the cup of my fury; you shall no more drink it again: But I will put it into the hand of them that afflict you; which have said to your soul, Bow down, that we may walk over you; and you have laid your body in the ground, and as the street, to them that went over.” This is the Lord’s deliverance from abuse and responsibility for the abusers. Carolyn Sissom, PastorEastgate Ministries, Inc.Quotes from K.J.B., Bibliography and quotes from Codependent No More by: Melody Beattie.
