"YOU...ARE ACCEPTABLE TO GOD THROUGH CHRIST JESUS"
(2 Peter 2:5b)
Preached by: Carolyn Sissom
Sunday, January 24, 2010
(Overcoming Rejection)
The Lord has called us to be a strong tree that is planted by the river of living water. We are not to re reactionary to people’s feelings, behaviors, problems, and thoughts. That does not mean we are un-kind or unfeeling, but we do not allow others to dictate to us our feelings. How do you react to crisis? Do you calmly and quietly begin to solve the problem or do you go beserk and make things worse? As Christians we are to not be moved by every wind of doctrine, but to stay the course, keep the people on key and turn them to Faith and the ways of the Lord Jesus Christ in the midst of all circumstances.
People in relationships who control others with irresponsible behavior do so through the reactions of those around them. Is your entire life a reaction to other people’s lives, desires, problems, faults, successes, and personalities? These people are like a puppet with strings hanging out, inviting and allowing anyone or anything to yank them. Abusive personalities are drawn to reactors like white on rice. Reactionaries overreact with anger, guilt, shame, self-hate, worry, hurt, controlling gestures, caretaking acts, depression, desperation, fury, fear, low self-worth and anxiety.It is normal to react and respond to our environment. Reacting is part of life. It is part of interacting, and its part of being alive and human. But if one allows themselves to become upset and distracted by little things, big things---anything---then reacting has the power to throw us off the track of a healthy and happy life. These people keep themselves in a constant crisis state---adrenaline flowing and muscles tensed, ready to react to emergencies that usually aren’t emergencies. Someone does something, so you must do something back. Someone says something, so you must say something back. Someone feels a certain way, so you must feel a certain way. The people jump into the first feeling that comes their way and then wallow in it. They think the first thought that comes into their heads and then elaborate on it. They are always acting in high drama.
(Immature Christians often believe that thought to be from the Lord). Have you ever been around people who never think before they speak? They speak the first thing that comes to mind and that thought was certainly not from the Lord. These are people who react, and speak without thinking (and/or praying). Their emotions and behaviors are being controlled---triggered---by everyone and everything in their environment. This reaction allows others to tell them what to do. This means they have lost control of their lives and turned that control over to an unstable person. When we react, we forfeit our personal, God-given power to think, feel, and behave in our best interests.
I have found when people are trying to pick a fight with me that the best way to handle it is to “ignore them” and their bad behavior. Usually they will move on. The next time I see them, they will have usually forgotten whatever it was they wanted to fight with me about. I just go on like nothing ever happened. We should not allow others to determine when we will be happy; when we will be peaceful; when we will be upset; and what we will say, do, think and feel. We forfeit our right to feel peaceful at the whim of our environments. We are like a wisp of paper in a thunderstorm, blown about by every wind.
As early as six months, a young child learns how to control the family. If they scream and yell, mother and dad are going to hold them and comfort them. This will continue into adulthood until the parents set boundaries for the child and not allow his/her behavior to control the family. How effective is a screaming or screeching parent to correct the misbehavior of older children? No – Bellowing and screaming does not work. Reacting in a non-productive way is learned behavior and a curse that passes down from one generation to the other.
People over-react becasue they are anxious and afraid of what has happened, what might happen, and what is happening (Fear) . Many react as though everything is a crisis because they have lived with so many crises for so long that crisis reaction has become a habit. They react because they think things shouldn’t be happening. They react because they don’t know how to manage their emotions and feelings to act in a healthy way. We don’t have to be afraid of people. They are just people like us. We don’t have to forfeit our peace. It doesn’t help.
We have the same facts and resources available to us when we’re peaceful that are available to us when we’re frantic and chaotic. Actually we have more resources available because our minds and emotions are free to perform at peak level. We don’t have to forfeit our power to think and feel for anyone or anything. That is also not required of us. We don’t have to take things so seriously (ourselves, events, and other people). Do not blow things out of proportion--- feelings, thoughts, actions, and mistakes. Do not blow things out of proportion with other people’s feelings, thoughts and actions. We don’t have to take other people’s behaviors as reflections of our self-worth. We don't have to be embarrassed if someone we love chooses to behave inappropriately. We don’t have to continue to feel embarrassed and shamed. Each person is responsible for his/her behavior. If another person behaves inappropriately, let him or her feel embarrassed. If you have done nothing to feel embarrassed about, don’t feel embarrassed.
We don’t have to take rejection as a reflection of our self-worth. If someone who is important (or even unimportant) to you rejects you or your choices, you are still real, and you are still worth every bit as much as you would be if you had not been rejected. Don’t forfeit your self-esteem to another’s disapproval or rejection of who you are or what you have done. Even if the most important person in your world rejects you, you are still real, and you are still okay. If you have done something inappropriate or you need to solve a problem or change a behavior, then take appropriate steps to take care of yourself. But don’t reject yourself, and don’t give so much power to other people’s rejection of you.
Don’t take things other people do or say personally. If someone walks up to me and says, “I don’t like you because”, well I assume that person is projecting on to me their own personal issues. It doesn’t have anything to do with me at all. It is their issue and not mine.If you are dealing with an addictive personality and you think, “If you love me you wouldn’t drink, do drugs, gamble, watch pornography, overeat, etc. etc.” That doesn’t make any sense to the addict. To them that is like saying, “If you loved me you wouldn’t cough” to someone who has pneumonia. Pneumonia victims will cough until they get appropriate treatment for their illness. Addicts will be under the influence, until they get appropriate treatment. It is not personal. The condition has become a compulsive disorder to whatever it is they are compelled to do. They are not saying they don’t love you---they are saying they don’t love themselves.
If someone has a bad day or gets angry, don’t assume it has something to do with you. That is being over-sensitive. If people have a bad day – it is their day, not mine. If you did something wrong, apologize. Speak kind words to them and try to cheer them up. Otherwise, just give them all the space they need to have their bad day. This is not being cold. It means we don’t assume the responsibility for causing their misery. If people don’t want to be with us, be nice, enjoyable and in good humor, it is not about me, it reflects their present circumstances. Leave things alone, and let people be who they are. Why should we allow someone who is obnoxious or rude to make us unhappy. That does not make any sense to me.
Perhaps if they see your joy, they will decide they, too, want to be joyful. A soft answer turns away wrath. That means we refuse to be offended or react to bad behavior from other people. How we are able to speak a soft answer is a measure of our pride. Our reactions can be a chain reaction, then frequently everyone’s upset and nobody knows why. There are people who behave in certain ways to provoke us to react in certain ways. These controllers and obnoxious people will certainly do it if they think they can get by with it. Some think it is cute or clever to provoke other people. Actually it is very immature. If we stop reacting in these certain ways, we take all the fun out of it for them. We remove ourselves from their control and take away their power over us. Many people try to control people by critiquing others. After all if they are the “critic” then that must give them power over others. Nope - - I don’t receive criticism, complaining or condemning because I know it is not from the Lord.
Let’s use musicians as a metaphor. Praise and Worship teams are to lead non-musical people into worship and praise. If someone gets off key or off beat, the musicians know how to stay on key. That is why they are leading those of us who are not musicians. (Duh)
The same is true of Pastors and Spiritual Leaders. If we are pulled off key or off course in to other people’s life view, we become ineffective as spiritual leaders. As parents, husband and wife, friends, etc., we are to stay on the high ground and not allow troubled or dysfunctional people to pull us in to the miry muck. Learn to recognize when you’re reacting, when you are allowing someone or something to yank your strings. Usually when you start to feel anxious, afraid, indignant, outraged, rejected, sorry for yourself, shamed, worried, or confused, something in your environment has snagged you. When we lose our peace, security and sense of well being, this is a strong indicator that we are caught up in some sort of reaction.
When you recognized that you’re in the midst of a chaotic reaction, say or do as little as possible until you can restore your level of serenity and peace. Get in prayer, talk about it in a safe place. Not all places are a safe place. People who are gossips, and/or armchair psychologists are usually not a safe place. I have found the safest places to be with people who listen to the Holy Spirit, keep their mouth shut and don’t criticize or give opinions.
Preached by: Carolyn Sissom
Sunday Evening Service, Sunday, January 25, 2010.
Text from Codependent No More by: Melody Beattie, Hazeldon Center City, Minnesota. Comments and conclusions are my own and not meant to reflect the views of those from whom I have gleaned.
